Relationship Transitions

Relationships are the masters of revealing to us what our insecurities are and blindspots, along with helping us experience what patterns we are still living out and what triggers still exist. Experiencing how people interact with each other gave me an opportunity to see how collectively, we are all the same. With minor details being different but all on a foundational level of us wanting the same thing; to be loved. But our thoughts, feelings and behaviour can quickly complicate things and cause disconnection or pain. 

I’ve always gone against the grain, either by choice or by force. Almost like an innate pull towards a behaviour that can’t be stopped. So naturally any relationship dynamic that is not within the realm of a heterosexual monogamous pairing will pique my interest. By seeing same sex couples and non monogamous relationships, I’ve discovered a unique niche of working with heterosexual monogamous couples experiencing an awakening to their true selves where one partner reveals that they are queer. This naturally brings up a lot of different emotions and thoughts about what to do next. 

Why does it happen?

There are several reasons why this could happen in a relationship. Some include, the conditioning of your life during your childhood was so inflexible and absolute that a person can’t help but naturally believe there is only one way they can live their life. One common conditioning is by living it how our caregiver wants us to live. Or we simply were not modeled on a different way to exist in this world. Maybe there was religious influence where fear is often instilled in our subconscious that if we don’t live by the religious rules we will therefore have some sort of consequence. This is why revisiting the past can help us understand why we aren’t living a life that feels fulfilling and true to self. 

What to do?

There will be so many different emotions felt on both sides. It’s important to address all the emotions and give them space to be felt and seen without judgement. But when feelings do get expressed it’s so hard to not take things personally especially within an intimate relationship. When emotions get intense it’s very easy to be consumed by them that will cause an overload on our nervous system that causes the body to go into survival mode which can then dictate behaviour that can be unjust or harmful. This is why having a therapist who is in a neutral space, can help create space from the intense emotions so that you can be with them and not in them. 

What are your options? 

There are several options to explore in this area so long as both parties consent to it. So talking about boundaries and what you are okay with is a great place to see what options are available to you. The newly queer individual needs an avenue to explore freely which could look like staying within the current relationship and opening it up to non monogamy. The relationship could go through a conscious uncoupling where love and compassion exist for each other wanting what is best for the other's needs. The relationship itself can go through a transformation where maybe some aspect of the relationship can be freely explored but the main foundation of it remains the same. Each outcome would be unique to the relationship. 

During any transition it’s vital to have clear, transparent communication throughout this process even if you think it’ll hurt the other. Why? Because full consent can only be given if everything is put on the table. This looks like, talking about things as they come up, revisiting conversations to see if things have changed and checking in with each other. It’s important to remember that individual needs have to be met within a relationship but also the relationship has its own needs that have to be taken care of by all those that make up the relationship. 

If you find that you are in this situation I would love to help you and your partner navigate it.