Am I Enough?

Everyone faces this question and the answer to this is always YES! But to believe the answer is easier said than done. I would like to share an experience of what I went through trying to truly believe that I am enough. I am quite stubborn by nature and so the story usually goes I have to hit rock bottom before I decide to make changes in my life. Thankfully as the days go by and I grow more aware each day I can now practice visualization of the worst rather than literally going there. Always a practice though I am still stubborn as stubborn can be!

So being born in a Korean family I grew up being taught a lot of traditional Korean ways. The one I want to focus on for this moment is about male vs female. Growing up I was a middle child, I have an older sister and younger brother. Being close of age with my younger brother (11 months and 14 days to be exact) we did a lot of stuff together! And based on my parents response to various events we went through, somewhere along the path I was taught that boys are more important than girls. I thought it wasn't fair that my brother got to sleep over at anyone's house but I couldn't because I was a girl. I wasn't allowed to join the community soccer team because I was a girl. (if it was outside of school I wasn't allowed to do it, except play piano) I wanted to play the bass & percussion in the school band but no I wasn't allowed to cuz that's what boys play. The son's job is to pass on the family name! It's the male that will provide for the family. So in my mind I believed that boys get to do anything and they get the important roles in life.

Well it's no surprise I then spent my whole life trying to prove to myself that being a girl is just as good, if not better than being a boy. I would often put myself in male dominated situations like playing sports, getting into breakdancing, the operational side of the print industry to even marrying a woman. I grew up embracing the male side of me a lot. I was your typical tomboy, always wanted to play with the boys, I loved typical boy activities like playing with toy guns, video games, play fighting etc. And I did a pretty good job at beating the boys but I learned a year ago that if I kept playing this game I will never find fulfillment.

The day I hit rock bottom in this male vs female topic was when I saw how my wife (who is polyamorous) continually seeked out male partners. I definitely went to I will never be enough for my wife, how can I even compete with men when physically I am not one. It got so bad that one night I was crying my eyes out, my heart was broken and I couldn't breath! I couldn't take it anymore! I wanted to blame my wife for this. I wanted to blame the world for being so cruel to me. I wanted to run and hide! I wanted to go back to my safe place of being single and alone! heart....longed to feel love! I played a vicious mind game with myself and I still go there time to time. My mind was saying one thing but my heart was saying the opposite, which do I listen to?Luckily I saw how I was ruining my own life by my own thoughts and so I seeked perspective and help from mentors and coaches in my life. Thank God I did the work beforehand to build a foundation of love and support before going through this.

I got the help I needed. What flipped the switch for me was my coach teaching me about emotional intelligence and he walked me through the different vibrations of emotions and helped me separate what I felt to what I thought. And just in one session I reached a place of peace where not only did I feel enough, I felt enough, I thought I was enough, I knew I was enough....I AM ENOUGH!

Still to this day I give into fear and have moments where I don't feel enough. I am human after all and we are emotional creatures. But thankfully because I found my place of peace I can go back there and find my truth. The same truth lies for are enough! If I can help you in anyway find that truth for yourself, reach out and let's chat!

Alyssa QuinneyComment